Welcome to a better, more efficient internet. Streamlined, adapted, buzz worded, and Just less aggravating. Remember youtube without commercials? it’s like That. All that needs to be done is for everyone to follow a few simple steps.
1. Capslock limitations. ONE word. see? I just did it, it worked well and I didn’t try to rape you with a sentence. Use exclamation marks.
2. Do not EVER turn Carly Rae Jepson Lyrics into a Jesus quote. It’s not clever and you are probably Insulting Jesus.
3. Stick to one font and you’re pushing it if you are using more than two font sizes. Changing it from stylized to bold in varying sizes does not make it more poetic or have more impact. Who started that?
4. Fuck your cat, be weird on your own time.
5. Comment sections (aside from facebook). Do not read them. Do not write in them. You are not a journalist. Your insight is questionable.
6. Twitter. Stop tweeting celebrities. They are thankful that you somehow assisted them in becoming famous, but they do not give one tiny fuck about how you think you could be best friends, or that your friday night was just like theirs. Unless you are telling @chrisbrown that he is a piece of human garbage, have some dignity.
(I will hunt you down)
7. You will never win a free ipad, stop advertising.
8. Google is right there. Use it before you express your grief over the passing of Morgan Freeman. Apply this logic to everything.
9. The internet does not care if you are bored, it’s done it’s part.
10. Follow this blog.
It has been hovering around minus 35 degrees Celsius all week. My beard has lost all of it’s soft, almost goose down like lustre, and has been encased in an icy prison, cold, hard, and unaffected by time and reasonable fashion sense. I’m grumpy. Like a hibernating bear who is being evicted from his bear cave because he didn’t pay his bear rent (bear welfare screwed him) I am outdoors when I do not wish to be. It is important to note this before moving on.
A co-worker was having difficulty getting a larger chainsaw started. We had been cutting and hauling heavy elm all day and we were all fairly exhausted and trying to stay warm, so the effort he was expelling seemed to be wrought with frustration. Occasionally the saw would fire, but then quickly die, and he would continue pulling on the ripcord another fifteen times before the same inevitable whimper, a suggestion of destruction, a hint of raw god-like power would appear and quickly fade as a squirrel mocked from afar.
The kind mentor that I am, I offered to have a go at it. Every man who sees an engine fail to to live up to expectations truly believes, much like Excalibur, he is the only destined to have success with such a tool. Like many men would, my co-worker declined any assistance and continued to toil and sweat for many attempts until, he slumped over, spent and crestfallen, he handed me the saw. If you looked into his eyes you could see that he felt as though he was handing you his manhood, perhaps even his dick.
I knew that saw wasn’t going to have any fucking gas in it, I just KNEW it, but at the time it seemed like an asshole thing to ask about. It’s like asking your friend who is about to give you a lift if he has tires on his car…….or…….gas in it. If the saw does have gas in it, you have just revealed that you think he is an idiot and doesn’t know what he is doing. I didn’t even try to start it, I just looked for gas and then handed it back to him.
At the end of all this, I thought that somehow I had unintentionally, but possibly subconsciously, maximized the level of public embarrassment for my co-worker, affirming my status as pack leader. I could have tried starting it a couple times and that would have lessened his shame. But I choose not to.
So there is a lesson in all of this. I think. Saying I am a dick isn’t really a lesson though because I’m already aware of how and when I am a dick. In this circumstance, I did not set out to be a dick. Maybe the lesson is that my co-worker doesn’t have a dad. He was never taught by a man with calloused hands and coarse whiskers to always check the gas and oil first. I’m not saying that he doesn’t have a father, because I don’t really know, but that is my lesson i guess; I don’t know what other people know and I cannot expect them to know what I know.
I’m sure he has a dad though…..maybe he is just a flight attendant.
Ten years ago Gary was a dick. He was that friend that everyone continually tolerated. He said things that made you shake your head and wonder to yourself; “Who brought this guy here?” Some how he was considered to be a member of the people you included in your circle of friends but the fact is, no one knows how Gary really entrenched himself with the group, but he’s there, talking to you…..saying words and applying Gary logic to the world while you think about whether or not you could effectively fake a seizure. Eventually, over time and practice, you would learn how to avoid Gary and excuse yourself before your brain starts to bleed.
Today it is harder to escape Gary because he is fucking everywhere and he is anyone. He has access to videos and articles and quotes from an unlimited amount of other Gary’s so that they can unite and create Garyland. A land where if more than two people agree on something it becomes an indisputable uniform fact. The rest of us are fucked.
How many times has Morgan Freeman died on the internet? How ill advised was Kony 2012? How many people living in Bethel Alaska thought they were getting a taco bell? The population there is 6219.
Chief Theresa Spence is a wonderful scapegoat. She has declared a “hunger strike” when, to many others it is merely a cleanse, or just a simple new years resolution. She is the vegan in the group who doesn’t let you order pizza because it has cheese on it and then eats a tub of Cherry Garcia for dessert. I want to murder that person because pizza is Jesus and ice cream is 15 minutes on the toilet. Your convictions are tarnished by your actions. Of course there also seems to be the possibility that Chief Spence is taking large amounts of money for herself and colleagues and riding jet skis on the dreams of the children in Attawapiskat. Awesome. Fine. She sucks. Unfortunately the general idea is that, because she sucks, it’s an excuse to shit all over an entire movement and much worse an entire group of people, and ignore any other possibility. Fuck treaties, because…….that lady….is bad….probably…..and….yeah….I pay taxes. If this is what you are saying and your sourcing involves Sun Media, you sound dumb and you sound racist. But it’s ok, you’re not dumb and racist because you have all the facts with a couple articles to back you up.
As Canadians, all of our meaningful economic value comes from natural resources. I can’t say whether it’s most, much or some, but a portion of those resources come from land that rightfully belongs to others. When was the last time a friend ordered a pizza and then after it was delivered and paid for, you gavehim a slice and then fucked off home with the rest? Never. Unless you’re an asshole. This is my point.
We are being assholes. We are being assholes about everything. It’s not always done intentionally, it’s just that most of the time we do not possess the social responsibility that correlates to the technology that has been thrust upon us. Through this ability to quickly access information, which can be done so selectively, we can view and post an article that compares numbers and financial figures between a native community and non native community and come to the conclusion that the native community is just taking advantage of the good intentions of the Canadian government. It doesn’t matter that the article doesn’t mention that the last residential school was closed in 1996, and that perhaps some of the issues we see on reserves stem from traumas. I just found a website that suggests red pandas are pure evil. If I had to agree to being kicked in the balls every half hour, but I got a red panda best friend in the deal I’d do it in a second. They are not evil, but someone somewhere thinks they are, and they have a computer.
I’m an asshole. I think banana splits are stupid. If you talk about how a banana split is the only reason your day has any meaning I’m going to want to share my opinion with you. That’s what i’m doing right now. So reading this was really a waste of your time. Sharing it would be terrible.
I just realized that I have never looked cool in my life and it is humbling. When I was a kid I thought I looked cool as shit, neon to the max, and then baggy jeans and sports teams. I thought my dad looked like he was from another planet. Beard. Plaid. Tight jeans. Simple sneakers. Fuck. Now once again I’m still not looking cool because I’m just trying to look like him. I promise you that he never tried to emulate his father. My kids are going to think I looked like a moron at all stages of my life. They will be right, I just hope they are not wearing tights and rocket boots when they come to that conclusion. Also I just accidentally saw a clip from Honey boo boo and and now I’m not having kids. Or tv. Just rocket boots.
This is by Brad Neely and should be seen by everyone.